A friend on facebook asked that.
Its a good question actually.

tons of thoughts went through my mind.
one would be to get married someday, though not anytime soon.
though i sometimes doubt i will ever get married.
or have a family.
i hate thinking no one would ever want me.

I really want to Travel!
go to Scotland, see my family's clan castle.
go to Japan, maybe see Genki again and just see the beautiful country.

I just want out of here.
i want my on life.
just not a life alone.

I hate how majority of people can't be honest with people around them.
or the people they call friends.

I don't want my feelings to be spared.
I just want the truth.
I can handle it.

If someone was your true friend they would want you to be honest with them.
you would want them to be honest with you. Right?

the only thing i would allow not being told something is, if it is for my safety.
for the well being of my life.

But if you can't be honest...
then what is it?
are you a coward?
afraid of hurting someones feeling...
or
is it that people who you say your friends with is not worth the truth.

i don't want to think either of the people i believe are my friends.

Sometimes i wish i could still be so naive and believe that all my friends would never lie to me, but most people are not so truthful anymore.

all i ever ask for is people to be honest with me.

why must i always think so bad of myself??


did anyone ever hear this?
if you left ear rings someone is talking good things about you?
and if your right ear rings someone is talking bad about you?

my left ear use to ring a few times a day

now its my right ear...


i don't want to know if someone is thinking bad about e because all it does is make me feel worse.

I hate myself...
I so fucking tired of felling like either no one cares or that i just have no friends anymore.


I need to stop being so pathetic.

sure people say oh i'm your friend, i care about you.
but how many people are actually telling me the truth.
and how many are just saying it to say it...

I am always honest with what i say to the people i care about.
my friends. or at least those that say they are.

i don't like hurting people, i never have.
but then some people get mad at me for no reason
or hold something against me because of my sister, because she will say something.
or do something no one likes.
so i feel as if no one wants me around.

just because we are twins we don't spend all that much time together anymore.

I'm just the lame one because i sit at home and do nothing.
She is out at he boyfriends and is always around people

but i never call people to see what they are doing because i don't want to bug them if they are busy nor do i want to hear "i'm busy, i can't."

i know its part of life but i hate being an annoyance...
I know everyone keeps telling me to get over things, but it is hard for me to let things go so i have been very stressed out.

its like all of this is just slowly trying to push me back down or hold me back.
i'm just tired of it all.

and some days i feel like i will only end up alone even though i try to hold on so tight to what i have now. because i have lost so much already.
i don't want to lose anything else.
because i am terrified of being alone.
i never have been so alone in my entire life.


Some days i also think i'm never even going to get married...
that no one will ever want me, even though i have a bf now it could end so fast.
I'm scared.

So things right now are not bad in my life.
I worry so much about my friends though.

but sometimes....
IDK...

Sometimes i wonder if they are truly my friends...
I care and worry so much.

but is it even worth it.


I tell them i am there for them but it seems they don't care.
I know i am just probly being stupid...

But i don't like the thought that either my friends don't believe me or they don't want me around.

I wish i knew if someone was truly my friend.

but no one will ever know who is truly there for them unless they are having hard times.

then i go back to a recent bad time in my life and almost no one was there for me.

.......


all i can do though is be there for those i care about.
even if they don't care whether i am or not.

I just have to much of a big heart.

since my last post things have literally been like a roller coaster.

though right now things are up because when your at the bottom
all you can do is come back up.

but for a while i was really down because i was losing my friend to cancer.
he past away in august and that was like a big kick in the heart.

i Miss him dearly.
RIP Zach Mewes

anyway.
things got better i got my first job.
yeah i know i should of had one awhile ago. haha.

but whatever.

i kinda enjoy it.

went to the fair last thursday with Mike. it was so much fun!
even though we hiked from the south hill mall and back.
i know i'm crazy. :P


well gonna go eat!
night all.

I can't help but feel all alone.
i know people are there when i need them and that they love me.
an are there if i need to talk.

I feel as if i keep repeating the same year except losing someone different every time.
i feel as if i'm going in circles even though i try so hard.

I'm tired of this heart ache i feel.

i try to change things.
but it feels as if my trying is just a waste of time.

I don't believe in giving up...
but it feels as if i'm not going anywhere the harder i try.

I'm tired of it all.

i don't feel like i'm important to anyone, but i know there a lot of people that say i'm important to them.

I don't think anyone i know understands how i'm feeling because it is hard to put into words.

Nothing ever seems to go right.
when start being happy and forgetting about my sadness; it all just returns and hurts even harder every time.

i'm tired of being alone even though people say they care.
i have to much of a big heart, and always hope the hurting will ever stop.
it doesn't.

all i'm doing is hurting myself.

It seem as if i am never good enough.
i mean for anything in life.
anything to keep me happy.


every time i get happy, something horrible happens.
i am currently losing a friend to cancer. i don't want to lose him.
i want to be selfish and keep him here so i don't lose him.

now mike thinks he isn't being fair to me because his life is so hectic he couldn't be there when i needed him to be.
I understand he s always busy and he can't be with me physically all the time.
he says he still loves me but he wants me to find someone better.
i don't want anyone else.

I think just as i start building my life back together it all comes falling apart again, and just like a lot of people before have given up on me, i feel like giving up on myself.

my heart just hurts so bad.

i feel like i'm just a welcome matt that everyone walks all over.
i hate myself.

i'm just not worth the space and my life is going no where.
nothing good ever comes my way and if i find something happy, it eventually gets taken from me.

It seems as if i'm never meant to be happy.
just sad and alone.

So i may have a skill thats not quite a skill lol
but i'm pretty sure people have done it this in less time then it took me to do it.


i didn't even have my mini computer for a full week i received it on the 16th.
and a few days ago i tried putting on a different anti-virus protection software on it and i forgot to remove the previous software that came with it.

I restarted it after it was done downloading and...

it froze every time on the desktop and would not do anything else.

I had a netbook Asus i got it at Walmart...
not a bad price and its a cute computer.

just ordered another one today and it should be here in a week or less.

now if this one does the same thing then i done with Asus!

I will try another brand.

Getting your wisdom teeth removed HURTS!
i got them removed.
All of them, and i was awake during the whole thing.

The bad thing was the tooth that was the most out.
The gum around it was infected...
so the doctor had to so that gum tissue to my cheek.
It hurts the worst...

I just want it to be done and over with.

And the frikin medicine they gave me was making me sick.
so i had to stop taking that.

Taking ibuprofen now.
the pain goes away for a little bit.

Not fun.



other than that one of my friends is having the best time is Scotland
well at least i hope she is.

My boyfriend is still awesome and he took care of me yesterday till i came home.
then he had to go back to his house and take care of his puppies because of the fireworks.

He got the Job he applied for at Red Robin in the towne Center.
I applied there to for a hostess postion but sadly no job.

after i'm done healing i will start looking again.

I'm so confused.

I know i should let things go, but i can't because some of things are apart of me.
I can't help but get hurt over them.

I Like Mike a lot but he sometimes seems distant toward me.
He says all these sweet things to me, but i don't know what to do when i can't see him, or when i need him and he isn't there.

I would really like to have a long conversation with him, so he can understand me better.
So that i can understand him.

Thats not all that bugs me.

I know some things people joke about, is if they get stressed they says something along the lines of dieing.
This does hurt me when i hear it but, i usually let it go.

I should be able to let other things go just to get over them.

they tend to tear at my insides.

So i was hanging out at my friend Zachie-kins house and he had a magazine on the table. I was a Japanese magazine called Cure. Those of you who really know me know i couldn't resist looking at it.
i was looking through it and they had I one of my favorite fashions in it...

LOLITA!!! <333

in the book it had the website for people to buy the clothes <3

www.bodyline.co.jp

they have a lot of super cute outfits in most of the lolita styles <3

I want some of these outfits.

i loves them

so i start a new quarter at pierce today.
i was bored out of my mind for the past few months but, i'm actually excited to go back to school.

i never though i would be saying that.

on another note I'm getting more excited boue going to sakura con this year.
I'm going as Misa Amane from death note.
Kiki is making me my death note and will be cosplaying as L.
I'm glad i could help her get there this year because i knew she wanted to go.

She is my best friend so I'm happy to do that for her. :D

I got my first tattoo on friday the 13th.

it is on my inner right ankle.

It is a Locket.


It hurt only a little bit, but not too bad.

So saturday i did the stupidest thing...
i got a ring stuck on my finger.
not just any ring, it happened to be the ring my dad gave me.

i put it on and there wasn't a lot of resistance so i didn't think it would get stuck.

it swelled and my finger was completely red...

i had to go to the hospital.


the doctor tried to wrap my finger with string, and get the ring over my knuckle.
didn't work, it just got burned by the string.

so they had to cut it off.

So...
now my ring is in two peaces...














I cried.

Even though it was "just a dream"
It didn't feel like it.

I had a dream of my daddy.

I miss him and this was the first time he visited me since he died.

I saw him in his jammies whch were his red flannel shirt and sweat pants.
I ran to ask where he was going...

"im going to get milk for Marcy" is what he told me, and marcy is one of my mom's friend.
I gave him a hug and was crying.

"whats wrong baby girl." he asked
"your not here anymore." i told him.
"you use to be tougher than that? what happened?" he said
"Your not here anymore." i cried

Its ok baby girl, I love you." he told me.

then i woke up.
but about that dream i could actually feel him and smell him.


I love you daddy!

I love my friends.
I'm talking about the ones who actually seem to care about me as i do them.

now it seems lke those i thought wanted me in there life only wanted me in it for a short time.
this isn't necessarily about anyone.

I am just tired of being walked all over.
Yes i care for my friends, but some of them like to walk all over me because i am such a fucking pushover.

I don't say anything mean about any of my friends or who they are dating.
Although i will tell my friend that i don't like the person but, i will not create a scene over something so small.

I want all my friends to be happy but, if it involves me being put down because of it then that person isn't a really great friend.

I never like losing any of my friends. It makes me feel like crying when someone is mad at me or it feels like im losing one of them.

I'm just to nice and too much of a fucking push over.
I hate it sometimes.

YES... hurt.

you say you not mad at me but, i know you are.
Just because of myspace and my top list.

we are supposed to be Bestfriends and we barely talk much less hang out.
IT really makes me sad.


I'm sorry.

we had to put my dog down.
We kept fighting so hard to keep her going.
but in the end...

she was already to far gone that we could only do so much.

My head hurts and i am cold.

I don't know what to do!

i lost my best friend today.

R.I.P. JEWLES (Pooh Bear) Turner
I love you my baby girl forever and always

now you are in heaven playing with daddy.




oh and we signed papers for the house today and should get the keys by tomorrow or next week.

Pooh has been diagnosed with chronic kidney disease/failure. I've learned a lot about kidney function the past two days.


The first sign of this is drinking excess water (which is hard to tell when there are 3 dogs drinking from the same bucket). The less the kidneys function, the more water is needed to help them create more urine to filter the blood.


The next symptom is nausea and weight loss due to the build up of toxins in her bloodstream, which is why she stopped wanting to eat the day before Thanksgiving.


I read on the internet that by the time the dog gets to the not eating stage the kidneys are two thirds of the way gone, so she now has only 1/3 of her kidney function left and cannot, on her own, drink enough water to sustain that function.


The treatment for this is subcutaneous IV's twice a day for the rest of her life, which I have become quite good at administering. Saline is injected just under the skin (subcutaneously) between her shoulder blades and is absorbed by her body. This will give her the extra fluid she needs to create more urine to filter her blood.


There is no dialysis for dogs in the area, the closest is CA and the vet said they don't except older dogs with chronic kidney failure.


If the IV treatment works it will only increase her life by a few months. The vet doesn't see her living more than a year. She is 11 so if we get her to 12, the full life span of a dog her size, that would be awesome.


So cross your fingers and pray for her...I know she's a dog, but she's also a life.


We aren't ready to lose another family member so soon!

Luv and Hugs,
Tamlyn